For the past few months, my son has been drowning in homework! He is in second grade. As you may know, he has dyslexia and ADHD. But, his “disabilities” are not the problem. In fact, our targeted interventions and his hard work have brought him very close to “grade level.” He hates writing (the process of forming letters, not composition). Otherwise, he is progressing very well.
However, he is drowning in homework.
Last weekend, he had a three-day weekend. (In theory, anyway.) We spent three hours every day on homework. By Sunday afternoon, I was crawling out of my skin! I thought, “Wow! I’m supposed to help other parents AVOID this mess! What advice am I giving others that I’m not taking for myself?”
I literally grabbed my “Homework Help for Parents!” CD and read the table of contents. This is not the first time I’ve done this. Two years ago when my son was in kindergarten, I had to refocus with all the lessons I learned over many years as a home tutor and homework coach.
I am pleased to say that I identified our problem areas and corrected course. I rediscovered my “Night Before School Tool” and the “Chip Clip System”. Things started humming again.
Maybe it would work this time too. I went through the list of songs on the CDs. I mentally reviewed each one on the list. “We’re doing that… and that… and that…” I thought.
“So what am I missing?” I thought of myself. Parental guilt is an ugly thing for all of us, but this was more than just parental guilt. Since this is what I do for a living, professional guilt was established. “Oh my God! Why would anyone trust me if I can’t help myself out of this…”
SUDDENLY I WAS STRIKED BY A LIGHTNING OF THE OBVIOUS…
We just have too much homework! Now it seems ridiculously obvious to me.
But, when emotions are in charge, especially Mama Bear’s emotions, logic takes a backseat…by far! I was trying to be a responsible parent and teach/model/encourage the same level of responsibility in my son. In the midst of that, however, I missed clear signs that we were well beyond age-appropriate levels of homework.
I have been coaching parents and students through homework for over 15 years and have spoken to hundreds of parents about homework battles. I can usually fix any problem with homework, as long as the parent *really* wants to fix it. “Too much homework” is the hardest problem to solve!
Don’t get me wrong, I love my son’s teachers. I will always be grateful for the way they embrace him with compassion, but hold him to high expectations. He respects both of you very much and I don’t want to compromise that in any way.
THERE ARE ALWAYS TWO SIDES TO EVERY STORY
I must tell you that when I was a classroom teacher, I HAD NO WAY of knowing if the workload was too much! I allocated what I *thought* was reasonable. The homework just went back to school, complete and accurate.
One day when I was teaching third grade, I received a note from a frustrated mom. She wrote: “I help Bailey with her math homework every day but she is tearing it up! She is overwhelmed and very upset…”.
I had no idea!
In class, Bailey stood her ground. He did “pretty well” on tests. He didn’t know that “good enough” wasn’t good enough for her. She pushed herself to answer all the homework questions perfectly. She didn’t understand that homework was “practice.” She was perfectly fine if she got a few questions wrong. She could learn from mistakes.
So I assured Bailey and her mom that I didn’t give them homework to make them miserable. If the task was causing tears, then it was time for them to finish. Bailey’s mom could write me a note and we’d work it out from there.
This experience made me realize that parents accept homework without question. Talking to all those frustrated parents, I know how reluctant they are to complain about homework. We don’t want to teach our children that they can “complain” to escape responsibility. We can wrestle and fight endlessly with our kids over homework, but all the teacher sees the next morning is perfectly completed homework.
Inspired by Bailey, I created a platform to receive regular feedback on assignments. I added a cover to my weekly tasks. The cover asked parents to rate their child’s understanding of each assignment, on a scale of 1 to 5. I also included a space for parents to write a brief summary of the assignment each week. This feedback was incredibly valuable!
STOP THE CYCLE
With Mama Bear Emotions running the show, I completely forgot about the homework lessons I learned in the classroom. There I was, fantasizing about banging my head on the kitchen counter because that seemed less painful than persuading my son to do another minute of homework.
I didn’t actually, but somehow my sense snapped back into place. I finally realized that I was so caught up in modeling “responsibility” that I forgot to model “boundaries.” I immediately stopped homework for the night.
Then I wrote a polite note to his teachers: “Sorry Mark for not completing his homework. We spent nine hours doing homework this weekend. Homework is now sabotaging our family. We need a break!”
I’m not sure how your teachers will respond, but I know this… They’re nice. They are compassionate. they are moms. They most likely had no idea how much was on our plate. I have no reason to believe that they will respond with more than kindness and support.