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- “Education is worth a lot. Just think: with enough education and brains, the average man would make a good lawyer, and so would the average lawyer.” –Grace Allen (Gracie)
- “It’s silly to bet on a horse without talking to him first. I know it seems silly to ask a horse who’s going to win a race, but it’s no dumber than asking anyone else.” –Grace Allen (Gracie)
- “Build a better mousetrap than your neighbor’s and Kraft Cheese will blaze a trail to your door.” –Grace Allen (Gracie)
- “First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to zip up, and finally, you forget to unzip.” –George Burns
- “Actually, it only takes one drink to get me high. Problem is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or the fourteenth.” –George Burns
- “For forty years my act was a joke. And then she died.” –George Burns
- “Happiness is having a large, loving and supportive family in another city.” –George Burns
- “Is it good to be here? At my age it’s good to be anywhere.” –George Burns
- “Every time four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery just happened.” –Johnny Carson
- “Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn’t grow up can be vice president.” –Johnny Carson
- “Happiness is when your dentist tells you it won’t hurt and then he grabs your hand with the drill.” –Johnny Carson
- “I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex and good food.” –Johnny Carson
- “The only thing money gives you is the freedom not to worry about money.” –Johnny Carson
- “Always end your child’s name with a vowel, so that when you call out the name, it gets carried away.” bill cosby
- “Don’t worry about senility,” my grandfather used to say. “When it hits you, you won’t know.” bill cosby
- “Parenting tells your daughter that Michael Jackson loves all of his fans, but he has special feelings for those who eat broccoli.” bill cosby
- “Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.” bill cosby
- “I wasn’t always black… There was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.” bill cosby
- “Immortality is a long shot, I admit. But someone has to be first.” bill cosby
- “I love being married. It’s great to find that special someone you want to tease for the rest of your life.” –Rita Rudner
- “I love shopping after a bad relationship. I don’t know. I buy myself a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really cool outfit, I break up with someone on purpose.” –Rita Rudner
- “I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They have experienced pain and bought jewelry.” –Rita Rudner
- “I want to have children while my parents are young enough to take care of them.” –Rita Rudner
- “I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of some weird religious cult.” –Rita Rudner
- “Men hate to lose. I once beat my husband at tennis. I asked him, ‘Are we going to have sex again?’ He said, “Yes, but not between us.” –Rita Rudner
- “I’ve always done well on essay questions. Just put everything you know in there, maybe you’ll get it right.” –Jerry Seinfield
- “No face, open mouth… that’s how pharmaceutical companies see the public.” –Jerry Seinfield
- “On the side of my Superman costume box, it actually said, ‘Don’t try to fly!'” –Jerry Seinfield
- “People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.” –Jerry Seinfield
- “The four levels of comedy: make your friends laugh, make strangers laugh, make money to make strangers laugh, and make people talk like you because it’s so funny.” –Jerry Seinfield
- “Everything is within walking distance if you have time.” –Steven Wright
- “I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included. So I had to buy them again.” –Steven Wright
- “I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I came home full and four people died.” –Steven Wright
- “If a word in the dictionary was misspelled, how would we know?” –Steven Wright
- “Somebody sent me a postcard from Earth. On the back it said, ‘Wish you were here.’ –Steven Wright