What happened to the rose garden?
How many of us remember the song “I never promised you a rose garden, along with sunshine, it’s got to rain a little sometime…?” How long did it take you to recognize that life was not free of problems? I remember the first time I really realized it was when my father died at the young age of 48. What a shock to think that things would never be the same again. But time heals and seven months later my wounds began to heal with a beautiful dark haired girl named Shanna. It was life over death that did the healing.
An old Indian saying goes something like this, “don’t criticize others until you walk in their loafers.” In other words, how can you know what’s really going on until you’ve actually experienced what they’re experiencing?
I used to think I knew everything. Have you ever thought that? Unwanted advice was thrown away, unheeded and unaware that life could be a little easier if we had listened to our elders. But most of us have to learn the hard way. My dad used to say that he graduated from “The School of Hard Knocks.” Now I know what he meant. Sometimes it takes a head bang with a 2×4 before we get it! Why is it so hard to learn the easy way? We are human and we are very stubborn.
My story is not very exciting, but it needs to be shared. We can always learn from others and most of the time if we clean our earwax we learn very useful things. Putting yourself in the shoes of others is very important in life to learn what life is really about. Life is not ‘cut and dry’, ‘clear and simple’, ‘calm and serene’, ‘fun and frivolous’, no matter what you may have deduced. If you’ve never suffered, you don’t have to make inferences about what someone else should or shouldn’t do or have done. People who haven’t realized that are proud of all the ‘supposed’ knowledge about how to live life that they possess. Most of these people learn the hard way and when it comes down to it, it’s quite a shock! Sometimes it takes two or three shocks before they get the message.
I’m one of those people who thought that when something went wrong, it had to be my fault. I felt like a very flawed person. It never occurred to me that the path through life was not going to be smooth and trouble-free. I don’t know where I got my preconceptions from, but I had them anyway. I also thought that I was going to be everyone’s caretaker and make everyone happy. Again, where did that come from? I had to learn that, though I kept trying. (I still have that problem today, but I’m more aware of it now, and can sometimes put it down.) Many of us, myself at the top of the list, decided that it was my job to carry everyone’s burdens. A person can’t do that for long without collapsing under the load. And then if we don’t learn it the first time, it happens over and over again.
Are there people who seem to learn life lessons the first time, or just know them from the beginning? Sometimes it seems so, but I doubt it is. We are all made of the same flawed stuff and have to learn the same way. Some just learn easier than others.
Where did the darkness come from?
Early in my adulthood, I learned what depression felt like, but I probably didn’t know what it was. This was during my father’s death.
For those who don’t know anything about depression, I’m not talking about being sad, having a bad mood day, being depressed. I’m talking about a downright dark depression, living in a pit and apparently not having a ladder to climb out of. I’ve heard people use the expression “stand up for the media.” That’s an “easy” answer from someone who has never experienced any aspect of depression. Depression comes from many places and for many reasons. I consider myself an expert (but I didn’t know anything) as I’ve gone on to numerous depression and anxiety tips over the years.
When I got more depressed and walked into a hospital, there was a lady ready to receive me. She was anxious, it seemed, to show me what was expected. “Hand over her belongings, please.” So I obediently hand over my overnight bag and purse. As she anxiously emptied everything, she began confiscating mirrors, nail clippers, hairspray, etc. anything she said she could use to hurt me. My thought was, “I wasn’t planning to hurt myself, I came to get over my pain.”
It seems to me, at least in my experience, that CHANGE can be a big problem in depression. Once again, I went into that deep, dark pit and thought I would never come out. I cried out to God saying, “You are the Great Physician. Why don’t you bend down and heal me?” A doctor told me that he had to go “through the river” before he could “get to the other side.” I hadn’t met anyone who had experienced such a thing and it seems no one in our families either. So I was the different one, the weak one in the family. Everyone seemed to have their thoughts on what was wrong with me.
My mother was diagnosed with cancer at the age of 80 and we took care of her for two years. (WOW, it was one of those changes!) I handled this without incident, which made me contemplate why at other stressful times, I didn’t handle things. My conclusion was that we had two years to prepare, time to restore and make mistakes, correct. And of course, the grace of our Lord. We share our deepest thoughts and come together. I would lie in her bed with her singing…she thought I sang like an angel. Poor mom! She never knew that she couldn’t ‘carry a tune in a bucket’. (one of her favorite sayings) The angels must have intervened! But she comforted her and in her weak state, she led me with her guiding finger!
I had a loving husband who stood by me and was my “rock” through all of these moments. I was hurt.
And I also learned that there were people like me. Normal, ordinary people, who had things go wrong in the emotional realm of their mind. People told me that I was a fighter and that he would make it. In my confused state, I had to believe that, since I had fought my way out of that dark pit many times before. I learned to live in the moment.
Yes, I have often wondered why I am made this way. I’ve spent time looking at the past, contemplating things that happened, got angry, and then realized it didn’t matter. It’s now and I’m only concerned with living now as gladly as I can.
I told a friend that I had lost all the pride I had, and today I am not ashamed of having a weakness. I feel tender towards people who hurt and try not to understand why they do what they do or why they handle things a certain way. My concern is just to help them walk with as little pain as possible.
My God is unique in the sense that he does not need a particular place, with a particular name, to appear. He shows up in the strangest places, even in “mental” hospitals. Let’s get our BIG God ‘out of the box’, keep putting him in and let him be who he is!
Speaking of mental hospitals, I despise that name. I don’t know why for sure, but being labeled mentally ill or being in a mental hospital gets on my nerves. I guess I should reflect a little more on that. I confess that I am sometimes very “mental”, but I am a sane person who has something gone wrong with a part of my body. We all go “mental” at one point or another. 🙂 No, I don’t want the dark pit to return. And hopefully, with what I’ve learned this time, I’ll realize the need to continue taking medication and working with doctors. I have learned that it is not wrong to take medicine, be kind to myself and take care of my body; these are essential. I have now given myself permission to rest when I need to, not work outside the home, not always do my chores, and even permission to deal with my illness.
My warning to you is that people who have emotional breakdowns are not crazy, they are not faking it. And think about this, my friend, “who would want to feel like this?” They are sick like anyone else with cancer, high blood pressure, etc. and they have to be treated. Yes, you may not understand. I think everyone should have to (no, I wouldn’t want you to be in that dark pit) or know someone who has struggled with depression and anxiety. It is VERY difficult to understand unless you have experienced it one way or another. You don’t have to be knowledgeable, but you can be loving and supportive. And if you see that an intervention is necessary, be sure to support them in taking the necessary steps.