“I can sleep with her, marry her, take care of her, but saying I love you, that’s another thing,” said Tony, a married man in his mid-40s. “Men don’t like to talk about love. They don’t know what to say.”
Of course the boys love. But they express it in another way. Despite this fact, most women do not feel happy unless they hear those golden words, I love you. Men also need to listen to them. And yet, as much as men want love, many fight it until the last minute.
Love can make men feel vulnerable, childish, and unable to do what is expected of them. However, naturally, men love and different types of men express their love differently. A woman needs to be aware of who the man she is with is and what love means to him. Here are five different ways men express what they feel.
The first way is simply saying “I love you”. It means much more than simply expressing a feeling. For some it feels like a lifelong commitment, for others it’s fraught with danger.
“When I say I love you,” Steve said, “I feel like I’m taking my life in my hands and giving it to her. It’s scary. I have to really trust her and know that she’s not going to throw my mistress away so I can say the words to her.”
In this case, the fear of rejection strongly arises. Rejection is enormously painful for most men, and saying “I love you” can be an invitation to feel hurt. Most men must feel very secure in the relationship, and in her feelings for him, before she dares to say those words.
For others, saying “I love you” means that I am offering a commitment. I will be here to do things for you. For many men, love is expressed through action, so these words are a promise of what is to come. Just by saying these words they feel that they agree to be there to give and support her. If they don’t, they’ll feel like a scoundrel.
For others, the words mean, I am not leaving, or I will always be faithful. This can be very scary for some men. They feel that the words themselves are a promise, and if the promise is broken, they too will suffer. However, there is another type of man, who enjoys falling in love and making it known to the world. These men will say “I love you” easily. However, there are many different motives behind his words. Some say it to get a woman to make love to him, others to enter into a romantic fantasy, some to feel like a great lover. By saying these words, some seem to be offering the woman the world (which they have no intention of giving).
Others say it just for the sheer pleasure of seeing how good he makes a woman feel and how effective he feels too. When a woman hears those precious words, she needs to step back for a moment and put them in context. What do they mean to this particular man, and are there other ways she might also realize that he is expressing her love for her?
Another way men express their love is by bringing gifts to women. There are many different types of gifts that a man can give. The obvious ones include those wrapped in packages, candy, flowers, special notes. But there are others that a woman may or may not know about. For example, for some men, giving you their time is a gift. When he spends more time with you and less time with family and friends, this is his way of telling you that he loves you.
A different way some men express their love is by standing up for you during a difficult time, attending important functions with you, accompanying your family, planning trips, dates, or outings, and putting you first in their thoughts. These behaviors are often indicators that the man cares a lot about her. .
Believe it or not, some men express their love by being jealous or possessive. They don’t want to share your attention. It is especially annoying for these men if you talk or look at other guys. Although being controlled is not being loved, for many men and women, the two overlap. Many women feel cared for when the man is possessive of them. “It’s a sign that he cares a lot,” Renee said. “Sure, it can be annoying that he’s so controlling, but if he wasn’t, I honestly don’t think I’d feel loved or cared for.”
For Renee, this type of behavior produces a sense of security. She lets him know that she is on her mind and she translates this to mean that he cares. Although this trait can get out of hand, when it’s just part of the overall equation, it’s often a man’s way of expressing his commitment and love for her. He doesn’t want to lose you. He wants to be the most important person in your life and be on your mind all the time. If he is, he feels loved too.
Other men tell you “I love you” by being affectionate and making love to you. After being intimate, they feel that they have loved you and often feel loved too. Physical contact breaks down barriers and provides a feeling of closeness that is not otherwise felt.
Some women require to hear words of love spoken when they are intimate. This is a complex area, because sex can mean many different things to different people. But for many men, love means satisfying their needs and also satisfying their needs. They feel that if the sex is good, everything else will fall into place. Sex can be a sensitive barometer of what’s going on in all aspects of the relationship. Another way to say “I love you” is to take you home to meet family (and/or close and significant friends). Not only does he say he’s proud of you, but he wants to connect you with the people who mean the most to him. This is usually a sign that you are becoming an important part of their life.
Other men compartmentalize relationships, have someone for dating, someone else for sex, someone else for the kind of love that leads to marriage. By being aware of the people in his life that he introduces you to and includes you with, you can get a good idea of how he operates in this area. Does he love you in all aspects of his life, or is it a limited relationship?
Love, in the deepest sense, includes sharing all parts of ourselves with others. It helps to keep a little diary of your relationship. So many acts and expressions of love go unnoticed and unfelt, because we just get used to them, or are too busy to stop and take notice, or to stop and say thank you. In your relationship journal, take a few minutes to write down what you received that day and also what you gave. Write it. Be specific. Make a list of everything, like phone calls, kind words, a surprise visit, etc. It will be amazing for you to realize all the ways your partner is giving to you, and it will be wonderful to find new ways to give back.
Copyright 2006 Brenda Shoshanna