If you are going through something or have already been divorced and you are feeling consumed with anger and frustration at your ex’s disrespect, I can relate to what you are feeling.
I have struggled with the immense pain of being consumed by anger, frustration, worrying about the effects on my young son, and being fed up with my ex disrespecting me.
I felt like I was walking on eggshells. No matter what I said or did, no matter how hard I tried, the ex seemed to get more and more irrational.
It was clear that the divorce situation was having an extremely negative impact on our daughter. She was becoming a crybaby, which she had never been before. He had trouble sleeping, which was also new.
The situation kept getting worse.
There had to be something he could do to turn things around, but he had no idea where to start.
However, I knew I had to do something different to try to create change, and I knew it had to start with me because I am the only person that I can control or change.
The opportunity to change arose during a situation that was having an extremely negative impact on our young daughter.
The legal custody of our daughter was equal to 50/50. We had been able to work together for over two years to communicate and determine the time for when each of us had our daughter. After several variations, we settled on a schedule every two weeks, with our daughter going to the other parent’s house on Wednesdays.
Suddenly, for no apparent reason, the ex refused to speak (or listen) about the schedule and ordered that we follow the schedule documented in our divorce decree.
I was amazed to realize that the divorce decree outlined a schedule every other day.
This would not mean consistency or stability as our little 3 year old had to go back and forth between our two houses every day.
This doesn’t even begin to explain the differences between the two households in terms of parenting, patterns, and much more.
I was afraid that this new schedule could result in extreme trauma for our little daughter.
My thoughts and feelings were confirmed when I shared the situation with a child psychologist, who was also shocked.
(If I were to get into the fact that any divorce attorney suggests, let alone allow this kind of physical custody schedule to be included in a divorce decree, I’d be writing for days …).
He wasn’t just angry. I was shocked and infuriated that my ex ordered our 3-year-old daughter to be put on a every other day schedule.
How self-centered! How oblivious to the negative effects an alternate day schedule would have on our son!
I found myself caught in a vicious cycle of reacting with vehement anger towards my ex.
Needless to say, this only served to make matters worse. I realized that I had to do something different, as what I was doing was not working at all.
As I pondered what might help, I realized that my reaction to the ex was never going to improve anything.
I knew I wanted to try and create a divorce environment that would provide balance and support for our daughter. And this is where I started to change my perspective and focus.
Bringing consistency and stability to our daughter was essential. This meant stopping the bi-day schedule and trying to go back to a bi-weekly period.
The ex refused to even listen. In fact, he got more angry.
I felt like I had no other choice, so I took her back to court for the custody schedule.
There is an irony in this decision, as we never appear before the judge. Sitting in the hallway outside the courtroom, our respective attorneys began to “negotiate.” There were many comings and goings, and many accusations coming from the ex.
The ex said that the only way she would change the schedule was if I gave her 50% of an education fund that I had personally established for our daughter.
I was stunned! How do you dare! The audacity to steal what I had prepared for my daughter!
She couldn’t be more self-centered.
For me, our daughter’s well-being was the top priority, and her mother was earning it for money – money that was NOT hers!
So then I fallen in reason. By getting angry, I was being self-centered and making money.
I shifted my focus to what I wanted to create for our daughter. And this included having a balanced schedule.
I took a few slow, deep breaths and calmly told my attorney to say “Yes” to delivering more than 50% of the amount of the education fund I had established for our daughter, to the ex.
As soon as I shared my decision with the ex and her attorney, we were able to come to an agreement and agree on a schedule every two weeks.
I made this decision for the sake of my precious daughter. Yes, I had to let go of my anger and re-channel the poignant energy that came from my anger.
This helped me learn one of the most powerful lessons of my life.
When I feel really angry and allow myself to react, I know that it will never be very likely that I will be able to create or obtain what I really want.
When I shifted my focus to creating a divorce environment where my daughter would thrive, I changed the energy I had been giving off and we were able to come to terms.
Looking back, do I still think the ex was being self-centered and irrational to the extreme? Of course yes.
However, I had determined my number one priority, my daughter. And then I was able to let go of my anger and shift my intentional focus to create a more positive and beneficial environment for our daughter … and this was indeed the result.
Here is my challenge for you … Think about the last time you reacted angrily towards your ex.
What was it that really provoked you?
Did it get you what you really wanted? Of course not.
Now commit to being more aware, more prepared for the next interaction with your ex.
Think about what you really want to create and why.
For this, my why was my daughter. She wanted to live to create a more positive environment for her.
When you find anger beginning to simmer in the depths of your soul, what is something you can say to yourself or get out of it that helps you shift your focus to what you really want to create?
Think about what you want to create for your children, shift your focus carefully, and determine what you are going to say or do next to get closer to it.
As you fulfill this and nurture it, condition the process by being consistent, you can maintain self-control, stay calm, and change the outcome for the good of your children.
Changing your perspective changes everything. It allows you to break out of anger and move into a more intentional state.