It is VERY HARD for most people to ask for forgiveness. In politics, of course, it has sparked a lot of debate. Is it an “apology” actually “sorry”? For example, governments do not apologize to indigenous peoples for the pain they continue to feel at the expulsion of their ancestors. Not that saying sorry is even that simple more. In a case such as apologizing to the indigenous people, what it takes with it is the threat of civil actions, lawsuits, collective actions, and the like.
And on the personal front? It shouldn’t be so difficult to apologize to someone you love, for example when you hurt them, right? Incorrect. It seems that it is very difficult, if not impossible, for some people to say: and means, the words “I’m sorry, would you please forgive me?” This is particularly challenging for those who have passed the so-called “affectionate stage” where it is characteristically easier to say so, but when you’ve been with your partner long enough to get through this stage, that’s when you know rubber has hit the road.
Some auto-called experts really advise NOT to say sorry, to avoid saying the word, as if there is a powerful negative magic. Apparently, it is a weakness to show weakness and be ‘submissive’ in this way. This is a bad idea and can only make the problem worse.
There are a myriad of reasons why it is difficult. Perhaps there is a “story” that you feel cannot be overcome. However, there are flaws ‘on the other side too’. As they say, “it takes two to tango”.
Obviously, pride gets in the way most of the time, and few people see the real power of asking for forgiveness, the power of their own pride, and the power to create reconciliation and healing. Both powers are opposed to each other: an evil and a good. The true power is in the good.
Bad relational history is certainly an obstacle, but if one party is unwilling to give in, the other is unlikely to do so, but if one party gives in a little the other might. It has to start with a party. The only way to undo a bad story in a relationship is to start over, and this can start anytime you choose. You are free to decide at any time to bring any relationship to life through the power of forgiveness. The fact is, we’ve all done the wrong thing, and it’s not even that important, so we’ve been wrong. Let’s build the bridge and get over it! The miracle in this is the beautiful feeling you get from befriending someone you never thought you could bear, let alone speak politely. Another fact: you can genuine and Respectfully relate to anyone. There is real power in this truth.
In any conflict there are always two sides. Acknowledge this fact. This means that you or your group are never quite ‘squeaky clean’, just as the other party is not. There are flaws on each side, even if the flaw is simply ignorance or arrogance that has caused the stagnation. (Most conflicts reveal some ignorance or arrogance, usually on both sides.) The only way to reconcile is through honest self-evaluation and admitting the things you can change to build more respect and trust.
There are some very miraculous powers in Sorry. For example, asking for forgiveness and asking for forgiveness brings a peace that is difficult to describe; it also brings life, peace and relief to the other person or party. We should all want good for the other person or for the other party for selfish reasons: it makes us feel good. We should wish them the best, always.
Also, when we ask for forgiveness, the negative powers of ignorance, arrogance, and intolerance spread and inner relief is felt almost instantly. Even if the other party does not accept that you are sorry, you can feel at peace with the situation and feel the power of peace within you return.
This is also important, as it is often a challenge that the other party has to prove its authenticity; You may feel that if you reject your “ sorry ” it will reveal that you are not serious, it will be shown that you are right if you react. negatively. But, if the other party sees that you are still sorry even when they have rejected your forgiveness, they will at least see that you were genuine, and most of the time, they will keep the door ajar to reconcile the important relationship. Showing respect in this way is key to developing the shaky state of trust that may be present. Understand that the real issue is trust or lack thereof. Trust doesn’t come without respect and a time-tested “trustworthiness” journey. Try to be consistent.
Another truth is that we gain strength over time with the continuous practice of asking for forgiveness. We manage our pride more skillfully and it is easier to overcome it. It is like any other habit. You will find that you are less stressed and anxious because you make the quicker decision to just “let it go.”
Say sorry. It starts with you. It’s not hard to say it and really say it when you know that the royal power falls to the person who can ask for forgiveness and maintain their dignity and integrity throughout the process.
Reconciliation is always a miracle to see and be a part of, and it is always worth the effort.
© Steve J. Wickham, 2008. All rights reserved worldwide.